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Jaws of Darkness
Jaws of Darkness is the twenty-second level in Generic Early 3D Platformer. When Dr. Neo Cortex took over Cortex Island with plans to build Cortex Castle, he didn't hesitate to get rid of the goddamn stoner kids comprising the New Nativitafarian Movement. However, he soon realised that, even with the goddamn stoner kids gone, their shitty temple of "worship" was still around, and he realised he'd be forced to obnoxiously design his castle around its presence. So, it's, like, his basement or something. It's where he stores the Skeleton Key-o'-Cortex to his sexy corridor filled with priceless old shit. Otherwise, he doesn't come down here very much at all, primarily because it still historically reeks of weed and Doritos. Crashie doesn't mind this smell nearly as much, so he's perfectly willing to explore this place, in the desperate hopes of obtaining a Clear Gem or obtaining three of Cortex's Two-Dimensional Severed Character Heads to unlock the secret Skeleton Key-o'Cortex Bonus Round or at least advancing to whatever this game's next shitty level is. Whatever the case may be, our bandicoot acquaintance should be careful to avoid the predictable Uncle Cortie's Patented Single-File Bat-tle Units, Asp Holes, and A-Wrath-nids of Cortex. And if you see a trail of Wumpa Fruit leading you over a bottomless pit? Just follow them. TRUST ME... The Dark and Metric Metrics of Backgroundical Darkness: Andy Gavin and Jason Rubin Tell You All You Need To Know About the Intricate Art of Static 2D Backgrounds in Otherwise 3D Video Electronic Game Machine Discs! In the year nineteen-hundred and ninety-six, all the gamers gathered around the warm staticky glow of their colour picture tubes to gaze in awed fascination at the radical new three-dimensional polygonal graphics offered in that new Bandicooter game thingy for the Sony PlayStation. They were new and exciting and bulgy! As most gamers are, by their nature, either very very young or [[New Nativitafarian Movement|very very very high]], virtually none of them realise the really quite shocking truth behind the illusion: while everything near Crashie is in glorious 3D, the far-off backdrops that add depthy depth to the levels....are nothing more than paper-thin 2D paintings! While some might protest the awfulness of this, developers Andy Gavin and Jason Rubin want you to know that there's still a lot of deliberation that goes into creating the perfect still image to expand the game world beyond its natural three-dimensional horizons! It's legitimate work, they insist! Really! For realsies! Perhaps you would be surprised to know that, of all the level archetypes seen in Generic Early 3D Platformer, the darkly ambient and ambiently dark temples of the New Nativitan Empire (see Temple Ruins) and the New Nativitafarian Movement (see Jaws of Darkness) were probably the hardest to finalise a fitting backdrop for. I know. Weird, huh? I decided to get the full scoop straight from the horses' mouths. If by "horses" you mean "desperate, pathetic virgins", which I have to imagine that Andy Gavin and Jason Rubin are. (This substitution is also implied any time they claim to be "hung like horses". The women they try to tell this to seem to already understand the alternate meaning.) I present their commentaries here, in full, to perhaps shed some light on the complex world of video electronic game machine disc development, for all the kiddies out there itching to get into that particular business. (Spoiler alert: You're not gonna make it, your game ideas are terrible, and besides, the gaming industry is dying a slow and painful death! Best of luck, though.) :''Andy Gavin: Stylistically, we wanted the background for the temple levels to reflect the unique world view of the New Nati...tari...veto...um......whatever we decided to call those guys. I decided the best way to do so was to get into their native mindset, so I tried to buy some marihuana off of Cerny. But he assured me that he wasn't at all into the smoking with the marihuana plant and whatnot. He told me, "My body is a temple. Only the best for my temple!" Oy vey. So, instead, he had me nasally inhale a certain crystalline tropane alkaloid of the leaves of the coca plant. He told me the kids on the street called it "cocaine". This was the day that I learned I had a "cocaine" allergy! It was terrible. Lots of convulsing and dry heaving, and the swelling. Cerny had to rush me to the hospital, though I think he might've raped me first. I certainly appreciate the fact that he didn't use a condom, at least, so as to not agitate my latex allergy. The point is, "cocaine" was a dark and miserable experience. It only seemed reasonable to assume marihuana would've been exactly the same. As such, I strove for a background panorama that maintained the sacred temple theme, whilst still showcasing the soul-shattering darkness afoot in the hearts and minds of those drug-abusing stone lads across the globe. I thought we succeeded. I can't believe some ne'er-do-wells out there would criticise us for it. Oy, with the senseless criticism! The secret to evoking the eternally bleak bleakness of the landscape of their soul was painting this gorgeous portrait using thick, chunky, broad brushstrokes, to emphasise the, um...the broadness of the...interpretation of....the ethics of modern.....modern youth culture that, um....they are....bad at, and stuff. Sorry. Trying to rationalise things always makes me so verklempt, you see. The point is, my art is terrific!'' :''Jason Rubin: Don't tell Mother, PLEASE don't tell Mother, but I actually really like pot. It's fun! However, the temple levels we designed were staunchly NOT FUN experiences. So, there was an obvious contradiction here, a very fine line we had to ride, in having the background extravaganza simultaneously embody the double-sided dual nature afoot. I had no idea what to do. I tried to create a parallel experience in my own life, for the sake of inspiration. That fateful day, I temporarily isolated myself from the rest of the Naughty Dog development team - so they wouldn't influence the results of the grand experiment - with the intention of smoking some weed - a pleasurable experience - while hammering nails into my hands - a staunchly not pleasurable experience. It seemed a foolproof plan. Ultimately, though, it seems I forgot the weed, and the hammers, and the nails. That accomplished nothing. Finally, one day, when on my weekly excursion with Mother to buy sweet treats for me and fine five-dollar wines for her from the local neighbourhood Rite Aid, I broke down and told her of my problem. I didn't know how to combine these two elements, and the deadline was tomorrow! And it was then that my Mother, the Wise Sage, told me that "the blacks like to smoke pot all the time, yet they still produce hip-hop, the LEAST ENJOYABLE MUSIC KNOWN TO MAN". Now, um, don't tell Mother, PLEASE don't tell Mother, but I actually sort of like hip-hop, though only when I'm high on the pot that I would also like to remind you PLEASE not to tell Mother that I like. Wait, is this statement going to be made public? You're going to put this in a newspaper or magazine or something where she can read it, aren't you??? AREN'T YOU????? Oh, the Internet? Okay, I'm safe then. Sorry...sorry for overreacting. Anyway, to please Mother, I made the background black, like the blacks. She thought it was amusing. That night, I got an extra spoonful of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. Yummerooniez!'' Did you learn anything? Regardless of what your actual answer was, in the fantasy world of my brain, you said YES! Trivia *This level's name is a witty pun on the "jaws of life" - hydraulic tools used to rescue people from horrific automobile wreckages. In exactly the same way as real-world jaws of life save people from the frightful deathgrip of twisted metal, the Crash universe's "Jaws of Darkness" save Crash from the delightful lightgrip of a pleasant gameplay experience. *According to some fans, it might also be an in-jokey reference to the legendary Sammy Davis, Jr. - one of composer Josh Mancell's idols, as well as one of history's most famous Jews of darkness. *The Skeleton Key-o'-Cortex in this level unlocks another stage with the word "dark" in its name - Fumbling in the Dark. For this reason, many mature fans maintain that this game had, by far, a darker storyline than the rest of the games in the series, and shun the "kiddy" series of sequels. It is in response to these criticisms that Naughty Dog gave Crash a gun in Detective Crashie's Timely Adventure, but to no avail. Even Traveller's Tales's's's attempts to win them over by including a horrifying post-apocolyptic deathy battle mech of doom in Detective Crashie's Past-His-Prime-ly Adventure wasn't enough to appease the unrelenting bastardlings that comprise the Crashie fandomie. *Assuming this level is canon, there are apparently fifteen or so Blue Gems in existence. Yet, to activate this Blue Gem walkway, Crashie only needed to collect one of them, the Blue Gem from the level Toxic Waste. I won't even attempt to hide my confusion over this. WTF, Knotty Dog?